Thanks to my favorite comedic expert, Dr. Irwin Suchoff, for sharing this batch.
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as
always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the
Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled
him aside and whispered these words at him: “You need to join the Army
Moishe replied: “I’m already in the Army of God, Rabbi.”
The rabbi questioned: “Then how come I don’t see you except for Rosh
Hashanah and Yom Kippur?”
Moishe whispered back: “I’m in the secret service.”
IT HAPPENED IN SHUL
Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says, “I’d like to give you an
Aliyah. What is your name?”
The man answers, “Esther ben Moshe.”
The Rabbi says, “No, I need YOUR name.”
“It’s Esther ben Moshe,” the man says.
“How can that be your name?” asks the Rabbi.
The man answers, “I’ve been having financial problems, so everything
now is in my wife’s name.”
Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a
waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent
over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn
came, she went into the doctor’s office, and emerged within half an
hour walking completely erect, with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the
little old lady and said,”It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half
and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?”
She answered, “Miracle, shmiracle. . . he gave me a longer cane.”
The Italian says, “I’m thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Frenchman says, “I’m thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Mexican says, “I’m thirsty. I must have tequila.”
The Jewish man says, “I’m thirsty. I must have diabetes.”
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Muscovite
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the
acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent
auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”
“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”
“Never heard of him,” said the visitor. “What did he write?”
“A check,” replied the guide.
Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they
lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours
every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.
Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy
on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to
Cambridge, Mass., and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River,
where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice.
After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. “Well, I figured out their
secret,” he announces.
“What? Tell us! Tell us!” his teammates shout.
“We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row.”
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.
She says to the clerk “May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please.”
“What denomination?” says the clerk.The woman says, “Oy vey … my
God, has it come to this? Okay, give me six orthodox, twelve
conservative and thirty-two reform!”
THE CITIZENSHIP TEST
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second
Language class. He was asked to spell “cultivate,” and he spelled it
correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with
a big smile, responded: “Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas
vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay