A Way With Words

butter-my-buttThere’s no better cure for Seasonal Affective Disorder than conjuring up some good ol’ county colloquialisms.  Try these on for size, from the pithy collection, “Butter My Butt And Call Me A Biscuit!“:


Otis staggered into the doctor’s house and, pointing to his blood-soaked chest, said: “Hey Doc, can you patch me up?”  ‘What happened to you?” Doc asked with alarm.  “My cousin Sally shot me.”  “Why?”  “Well, me and the boys was havin’ a good time drinkin’, when Sully picked up his shotgun and said, ‘Who wants to go huntin’ with me?'”  “And then what happened?”  “I stood up and said, ‘Sure, I’m game.'”

On intolerance: “You’re so narrow minded you can see though a key hole with both eyes.”

On disorganization: “You’re so mixed up, you couldn’t organize a drinkin’ contest in a brewery.”

On laziness: “If you  had a third hand, you’d need another pocket to put it in.”

On cluelessness: “The engine is runnin’, but ain’t nobody drivin'”.

On diplomacy: “She ain’t exactly ugly.  She just looks better from a distance.”

To an annoying acquaintance: “Anytime you happen to pass my house, I’d sure appreciate it.”

Ella Mae, a pouty little girl began making not-so-nice faces in a store’s three-sided mirror, when a refined woman walked over to her and said: “You’re such a pretty little girl, you shouldn’t be making those terrible faces. When I was your age I was told that if I made an ugly face, it would stay that way.”  As quick as a whip, Ella Mae retorted: “Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

A traveling salesman drives up to a cabin with a hound dog laying the yard, and and sees a kid on the porch whittling a stick.  “Hey squirt, does your dog bite?” the salesman asks.  The boy replies, “Nope”.  No sooner does the salesman step out of the car than the hound dog pounces on him growling.  The salesman flailing on the ground yells at the boy: “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!”.  “It doesn’t”, said the boy.  “But this here dog ain’t mine.”


About Leonard J. Press, O.D., FAAO, FCOVD

Developmental Optometry is my passion as well as occupation. Blogging allows me to share thoughts in a unique visual style.
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2 Responses to A Way With Words

  1. Irwin Suchoff says:

    But one of the best was at a meeting of Educators in Vision Therapy at a COVD meeting many years ago. A company that made VT equipment wanted to donate money to this new organization. This led to two sets of people: those who felt it was OK, and those who felt that it was a conflict of interest.. A lot of arguing ensued and the meeting became very noisy and disorderly..And so WC Maples stood up and in a loud voice said……”Let’s not go shootin dogs that ain’t stealin no meat.” It got very silent quickly, and I think I might have wet my pants laughing…

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